What Katy Thought.

An attempt at focus.

Of late I have sat and had nothing to say. I have waffled about being depressed only to become annoyed at myself for going on about it and not focusing on other things so I have started to consider what would make me feel better and what there is within my power that I can do to change my situation. 

For example my job. I don’t like it nor do I particularly like the people. So I should change it. Yet time and time again I come home, sit down and whinge about it but fail to look for anything else. This has to change. A better job isn’t going to come to me I have to go and find it. I have started looking and even applied for something else today .. it is similar to what I am doing now but perhaps a little more people based which would be nice .. gets a bit tiring only talking to the other office inmates and not a single member of the public having been in such people focused roles in every other job.

What else?

Well little things .. my hair, my clothes .. my goals. 

I think it is time I was honest with what I want and how I want to be and went and did it rather than just go on about it all the time. 

I have planned to spend Saturday day time de-cluttering my wardrobe and making a “capsule wardrobe” .. then in the evening I shall cook for my friends and probably rope them into assisting me to photograph and sell the items of clothing that I no longer need cluttering up my life. 

My hair I may just renovate into one colour all over and stop this funny dip dye fiasco that has become so over done even I am tired of it. It will have been a while since I have been one colour but I think it would be a nice change .. whether or not this will be my natural colour remains to be seen! I may opt for a nice spicy red again .. I loved being a redhead! 

Goals wise I am going to start using my camera more and understand it and I am contemplating starting up a new blog and learning how to make games, simple games as my computer skills are kind of lacking nowadays. I may also go back to meditating .. I can almost hear people roll their eyes and possibly drag out the paints and try and return to a more creative place. 

All in all I guess what I am saying is that I can’t let feeling a bit down take over my existence. After all anything is manageable in life its just learning the skills to do it.

Fingers crossed. 

I don’t really have much to say.

I haven’t written for a while. 

I’ve been unable to get onto my blog easily using my laptop .. as it seems to hate the internet most of the time and also I’ve been working or just plain old tired of an evening. I doubt many, if any, noticed my absence but I felt obliged to let my blog know I didn’t mean to leave it alone for so long. 

Writing is often an escape to me and lately I have felt more and more need for an escape route so have found it unbelievably annoying not being able to access my blog. I’ve felt a little dismantled lately, increasingly so since my post in June, and I always hope that through words I can somehow make sense of what is happening and put myself back together a bit. 

I don’t really have a lot to say .. I am tired from work .. I am less of the new girl now which is nice but I am still not enamoured with the role I have landed myself in and long for something more creative and exciting to be doing with my time but I think most people feel the same way! Other than work I am ok, a bit down and a bit up at times .. my moods can’t seem to get themselves together but fingers crossed in time they will work out some kind of schedule that works. 

This is kind of a Katy update post because I feel I have to say something and it may just open the gates for something more interesting to walk through and land on here .. heres hoping! 

 

Rant begin.

Would you cheat on your partner?

And what do you actually count as cheating?

For me it doesn’t have to be a physical act for it to be damaging in a relationship yet I seem to be starting to worry that I may be alone in that opinion.

Have we become desensitized to what we are doing? Do we not accept our online actions as reality because it isn’t our physical selves doing described actions or our voices saying these things to the person face to face?

I have recently been witness to a lot of this kind of topic. People cheating or being cheated on, people flirting and engaging in sexual conversations via text messages or social networking and it has left me completely crushed.

It is as though we just don’t value what we have any more and all this interaction, that could be used for so many positive things, is now nothing more than a forum for seedy goings on behind the backs of the person you say I love you to on a daily basis.

Today I sat shaking my head hearing myself say “but surely if you are talking to someone else about sleeping with them and are planning on going through with it then you don’t really love him and should end things?” Which was met a plethora of excuses and “rationalisations”.

I feel sorry for the person sat at home thinking they are in love and it is mutual.

And it isn’t just physically cheating on someone, not just kissing or sleeping with someone once or multiple times but this increasing social interaction based solely around flirting, sex and secrecy. It makes me so disappointed to think people are sitting with their loved ones whilst talking to someone else, someone they may not even know, about things of a sexual nature. It breaks my heart to consider this may have been done to me in the past.

It all boils down to this.

If you love someone you love them. Love may not be easy, sometimes you may want to scream at each other and walk away but because you love them you sit it out and work things through. That is love.

If you find yourself hiding your messages and telling someone else what you want to do to them or even just browsing for the possibility to do so then leave the person you are with as you are not committed to them and they deserve better.

I am tired of wiping the tears off peoples faces, including my own, because of this type of thing. Just be honest with people.

If I found myself having conversations of a sexual nature to fill the void in my relationship, if I needed someone’s attention to make me feel better and if I slept with someone else or even considered it I would leave my partner because it would be completely apparent that I did not want them any more. It is better to walk away than to stay living a lie and doing things behind someone’s back that will ultimately destroy the person in a much more brutal way than walking away when the cracks started showing. Either you will have to end it further down the line or, as will usually happen, they will find out because no matter what you think .. You are not that clever.

Rant over.

New Girl Neurosis

Cautious looks over the photocopier.

Paranoia is kicking in.

They know I don’t know what I am doing.

Damn it.  

It is unpleasant being the new girl. The silence is exhausting. The lonely lunch breaks are a blight on your day and all you do is count down the minutes till you can finally go home where hopefully people remember your name and you don’t get lost walking down a corridor. I’ve never really suffered new girl syndrome, I’ve always jumped into any job situation and been fine.

That was until three weeks ago. I wasn’t totally sure I wanted the job in the first place. Totally out of my comfort zone. I never really wanted an office job and had never had one before. Yet here I am living the nine to five dream. The week cannot end soon enough. I start focusing on Wednesday on Sunday night and then on Wednesday switch my focus to five o’clock on Friday .. My life has become one big countdown. Apparently this is how office life is though. The thing is this is not how my life is meant to be. I am frustrated and fed up.

The work is easy. The hours are minimal as is the effort you find yourself putting in to the role. All in all .. I dislike it. I am very annoyed with myself for even writing this as I should be happy I have a job that pays well for so little actual work but it just isn’t me.

I know a lot of people say “Oh I always go the extra mile” but I really do. Work has always been an escape and a way to find some kind of weird self worth. I have always thrown myself into whatever job I have undertaken from sales girl to manager, from care assistant to team leader and even cleaner .. I have never felt so downtrodden and lost. 

Sadly my usual saying of “well it’s the people that make a job” doesn’t even help here as the people are .. well .. painful. I find myself embedded in conversations about the only way is Essex and how much so and so is annoying everyone. Banal conversation, gossip and office politics radiate around me forming a kind of unpleasant white noise that I can’t quite manage to mute yet.

I wander though from my reason for this post, the traumas and tribulations of being the new girl.

 I was dragged around behind the deputy manager of the department on my first day and was introduced to everyone. “This is Katy, she’s new here so I don’t quite know where she is going to be placed but she’s permanent” which met a lot of awkward smiles as they tried to suss me out from this sterile first meet. 

This was an awful. Office from office, name upon name upon immediately forgotten name in a long maze of corridors and filing. I was immediately aware that this was going to be a long day. 

Lunch time hit on my first day and as I hadn’t been placed with a team of guys I found myself totally alone. It is so difficult to integrate on your first day, you can’t just force yourself into someones life and expect them to welcome you with open arms so yeah, I sat alone. 

This went on for the week and then I was placed with a team. Three weeks later I have had lunch with the people in my office a couple of times but mostly have wandered off to get away from them. Turns out what I initially thought of as a lonely lunch is actually quite appealing and relaxing but at least I have the option of company now if I really need it and that’s quite nice. 

Talking to people when you are fresh meat is an interesting situation to be in. A barrage of questions and suggestions hit you like an interrogation. Some people are overly familiar and confident and disregard social conformity and just ask whatever they want or jokingly mock you unaware you are actually finding it annoying and at times a little rude but again, at least people are talking to me. 

As the new girl you find yourself grateful of a conversation, a little bit of acceptance and a joke but you don’t yet know anyone well enough to relax into it and be yourself. There is this new girl wall up around you and it’s difficult to break down. 

The sad thing is .. I am the new girl in a job I really don’t want. 

Why is that the sad thing?

Well because in a couple of months time I will probably have quit and gone on to be the new girl somewhere else starting the whole painful cycle again. Wonderful.

So here’s to the new girls, trying to smile at the water cooler, engage in conversations at the photocopiers and not come across as odd or unusual .. it’s not easy being new. 

 

Sat under a cloud.

Sometimes it happens and I just can’t control it. It’s like a tsunami of the mind. A wave of utter depression. As it washes over me I try to fight it but at times the battle is instantly lost and I find myself sat there in the froth feeling nothing but sad. No nothing is wrong yet everything feels wrong. I want to be left alone but I want to be held.

I guess this is why sensible people don’t date depressed girls.They try to fix you when there is nothing to be fixed and they get so frustrated they almost want to shake you and scream to try and make you snap out of it .. as if it is that easy. I feel so guilty when I can’t flip the switch back to happy, floaty and care free and instead opt to sit under the cloud.

In the past I’ve tried lots of things to cope with it, to distract myself and to control it and nothing ever really worked for me. The counselling, the medication, the drink, the drugs, the people and the self absorption all led to me getting worse or just staying stagnant. In the last two years leaps and bounds forward have some how happened yet every now and then the wall comes back up and I just sit there and stare it. In a weird way the unexpected low days are more infuriating and upsetting than the weeks and months were .. at least they were routine and didn’t appear without warning one sunny morning.

Writing this is like a therapy for me. I don’t often open up about certain things which I know my boyfriend finds difficult. I hate how I can write it but can’t physically vocalise things at times. I guess it’s easier to type than talk. I am starting to feel better, the clouds dissolving and the weight lifting. I’ve skipped, had some fruit and lost my train of thought in day time television. I know the healthier I keep my body the healthier I keep my mind so that is a priority.

This isn’t really a post that anyone will find interesting but perhaps some can relate to. I think that is also the other problem when you have any kind of depressive episode .. the feeling that you are alone in that and that no one could possibly understand. Thankfully I know I am not alone and that it will pass. As the ring I wear says in Hebrew “this too shall pass” and we all know jewellery never lies.

A fork in the road.

‘Which road do I take?’ she asked.
‘Where do you want to go?’ responded the Cheshire Cat.
‘I don’t know,’ Alice answered.
‘Then,’ said the Cat, ‘it doesn’t matter.”

- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

 

And that readers is where I was at this morning when I originally started this post. I was sat in bewilderment not quite knowing what I wanted to do or where I wanted to be heading. I am not saying that some how in the duration of the day I have had an epiphany and am now sat here on a cushion in a guru-esque fashion knowing all I want and need but I feel a bucket load better than I did twelve hours ago. As Dinah Washington sang, “what a difference a day makes.”

This morning I felt decidedly low. I was fed up. There are no other words for it. The sun was pouring in through the window and all I wanted to do was glare at it and pull the blinds down. Yet after my interview this afternoon I walked out of there feeling a weight lifted and smiling up at the sky realising that it really was a lovely day after all. I guess all I needed was a positive highlight for the day to turn things around. 

As I said I don’t know fully where I am going but I feel better about things. Maybe none of us really know where we are meant to be headed, what we should be doing or who we really are. If you do know then you are very lucky and I envy you. Right now though I am just happy to be where I am. I am looking forward to my new job going back to what I love and I can’t wait to raise a glass to the future on Friday with my significant other as we celebrate our time together and the time we have ahead of us. 

I guess .. what I am trying to say is .. I am happy. 

 

 

Wise words from a caterpillar.

“Keep your temper,” said the Caterpillar.”

                                                  – from Alice in Wonderland

I don’t really do angry much. I’m not very good at it and I don’t believe it is healthy despite other people telling me a bit of anger is perfectly fine. Today I felt a tinge of anger and had to defuse it as quickly as it had started. I don’t feel it is as easy to be angry nowadays. What made me mad was a phone call and what made me angrier was the fact I couldn’t slam my phone down. Do you remember doing that? Angry phone call .. smash .. handset impacted against the base and all that anger shook through the plastic casing and somehow eased the physical turmoil you were in. You don’t get that now. I have to own up I have once launched my mobile phone across the room in a temper only to instantly regret it .. note to all .. modern phones are not strong enough to take a temper tantrum.

This was probably the angriest I have been for about a year. I say anger .. a lot of it is frustration.

Here is where I am at.

I left a job that I didn’t particularly like (actually I left a full time and the last of three part time jobs that I was attempting to do at the same time) with the promise of starting a new job .. I have a new job but as of yet no start date. It is all held up on referencing and has been a month now. An entire month of not working. This is not good for me! I just want to get back to work. Yes I was silly to leave so quickly but I had nothing more to give to the role I was in and I never imagined it would take this long.

Anyway back to the topic. What was it? Oh yes anger .. keeping ones temper under control as the wisest of all caterpillars advised.

I don’t see the point in losing my temper and when I feel it happening I attempt to suffocate it. Anger is so unpleasant and a temper should be controlled. I find it very unattractive to be angry having seen so many tempers lost in my lifetime. I hate how anger can change a person in every way. I used to claim I could tell when someone was angry by their eyes and I stand by this. After all they say the eyes are windows the soul and you can see a definite change in the light of someones eyes when they are so truly angered by something. It is almost as terrifying as it is fascinating. Perhaps this was what used to scare me most when I was on the receiving end of angry outbursts. The harsh change in a persons character is shocking especially when you think you know that person inside and out.

I have always looked at people who can be so angry all the time with so much confusion. An example of this would be my last job, supervising a staff team of teenagers of varying degrees of drama and rage was a test at the best of times but oh the tempers. I couldn’t understand them. Smashing things about in the staff room, angry and enraged with family, friends, boys or themselves .. snow-globes of rage and misunderstanding. It was exhausting but some of them could be angry for days and weeks at a time. Maybe I am too lazy to be too angry. Already any anger I may have felt from early has disappated into the air around me and I am sat here in my own tranquil bubble quite content once more. Surely it is a waste of energy to be mad all the time.

The world is such an angry place as it is .. why go out of the way to add to the anger levels. I was sat watching the recent channel four offering “The Complainers”  earlier .. horrified at how angry people get when they complain about something that is often so trivial. It is, however, yet another example of how angry we are becoming as a nation .. and so often it is irrational and the people who are angry just come out of it looking nothing more than stupid. Take all the politically angry people of late .. the people who in their temper have backed political parties that are barely capable of walking down the street without inciting further rage .. how is this helping?

Anger breeds anger.

I know I sound like so far fetched hippy when I start on that we need to rid the world of anger and it will never be that simple but wouldn’t it be nice. Why can’t more people just let it dissolve away like I try to do? Why do we have to add fuel to our tempers and make everything so much worse. Our children are growing up accepting anger. I won’t start with the whole .. angry films/music videos/computer games rant because even I think that is stupid but maybe we are opening up kids to too much anger at too early an age .. If only I could fall back into the sixties where love and peace was all anyone wanted .. maybe that is where I would be more suited!

I guess I wrote this to ensure all my anger and frustration had disappeared and it has.

Phew.

So here is a photo of a rather cheery looking puffer fish I saw at the London Aquarium!

370

 I like puffer fish. I mean they get mad and it is so evident ..

maybe the caterpillar should have a word with them.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Twist

 

Image

 


When I saw the theme was twist only one thing came to mind. The twist of barbed wire around security fencing.

This photograph was taken at Cane Hill Asylum in Couldson.


 

 

Better than nothing.

Every time my poorly painted nails hover above the keyboard I find words falling to the floor around me yet none landing here. It is like a battle that I am constantly losing. It is frustrating. 

Oh how I wish I could write something interesting. Maybe something political or life affirming or .. even informative. 

Yet I don’t understand politics, am in no position be all life affirming and most of my information is gathered from well loved sites such as Buzzfeed so probably not that informative after all. 

So my rapidly chipped nails float across the keys hoping something will bite at me and provoke a written reaction. Almost willing something dramatic would occur at the side of me so I could write about it .. perhaps a giant armadillo has just appeared and is now clambering onto the sofa .. or you know something more believable. 

I really need to get back to work or switch the PlayStation on. 

Let’s do that. At least I’ve tried to write something. This is better than nothing surely? Hmm? I will try harder next time. 

“Hello my name is Katy and I am just as insecure as you are .. so shut up.”

Today I had a make up free scruffy kind of day. For the first time in ages I didn’t bother to wash my hair (I washed it yesterday though just incase you are wondering!) I just tied it up out the way and ignored it .. this is quite out of character for me. Normally I will put make up on just to take the rubbish down, thats the kind of girl I am. My grandad used to joke about it being war paint when my aunt would be layering on her make up and he was right. It is war paint. It is a protection against remarks about my complexion, my paleness, my tiny wonky eyes and the grey bags abandoned below those eyes. It is more though than just an attempt at physical improvement it is a barrier between the real me and the world, it is .. literally just a face, a costume .. a disguise.

Who gets to see the real me? The one behind the mask?

- My family (Well my mum, her boyfriend and my grandparents .. I don’t think my uncles seen me minus make up since I was 16.)

- My closest friends .. all two of them.

- My boyfriend. I’m not sure how he feels about me minus the mask .. I daren’t ask!

And that is it. If I am ill and have to see my dr the make up goes on, if I have to run down to the shops the make up goes on. It is like an illness but what has caused this? Why are some of us so scared to just be natural?

The media is an obvious reason. Bombarded with images of the perfect woman we feel a pressure to be like her so if she’s sat there smiling with some new mascara advertised next to her then get out of my way because I sure as hell want it. Society has idolised unrealistic models for so long that natural beauty has faded out instead we are encouraged to get the london look. A look I frankly don’t want! Let’s not even get started on the impact the porn industry has had on womens self esteem either .. seriously. Actually I will get to that but I’m going to throw that into a different paragraph .. have a guess where! I worry a lot about how I look and how insecure I feel about it. In recent months I have spent far too much money on skin care products to hide, improve and alter my face .. just my face .. I haven’t even started on the rest of the disaster that is me. I’m starting at the top and working my way down as that seems easier. I can’t tackle the bottom half and the sea of cellulite just yet.

Other women are an issue. You compare yourself to the girl down the road with the perfect hair, the girl in the supermarket with the twinkling eyes and perfect make up that compliments her cheery smiley on a saturday morning. You look at your girlfriends and find yourself making remarks about how its alright for them because of such and such a feature .. I witnessed it yesterday with the besties who proclaimed it was alright for me as I wasn’t the same size as them .. almost said “hello my name is Katy and I am just as insecure as you are .. so shut up.” but that wouldn’t have been very supportive so I didn’t and we went for a burger instead.

And last but not least. The big reason I believe women or at least me have all these issues …

Men.

Yeah you might be all funny, beardy and irresistible but you do a lot of damage to our fragile minds and esteems.

Here are some of the things men have said to me that I still remember for I shall not forget .. I am woman after all.

- You’re alright but I don’t like your chin. It ruins your entire face.

- You’re damaged goods.

- I couldn’t fall in love with someone who looks like you as long as you can accept that we can carry on going out.

- You’re too skinny I’m scared I’m going to break you.

- You’ve got too big, you aren’t like you used to be and you don’t seem to care.

- Can you dye your hair this colour? And tie it up with shoe laces I used to date a girl like that she was really pretty.

- Are you actually happy with your appearance?

- It’s just sex I don’t need to look at you or be seen with you.

and my personal favourite ..

- I didn’t mean to sleep with her but she was like a goddess. She was so different to you. She’s beautiful.

 

After you’ve heard all that you have to contend with the porn issue. Men will always watch and compare .. they may not admit it and they may say it means nothing but they will continue to do it because men are so visual when it comes to sex, it’s just how they are programmed and that’s fine until you realise you aren’t those women and it seeps into your brain so much that you aren’t big boobed and long legged, you aren’t some tart they have photos of on their phone or message occasionally online .. you’re real. The worst bit is you want to be that girl so badly for a while, you wish you would wake up with the perfect hair, the eyes that melt hearts but get the blood pounding all at the same time, the legs that go on for miles and the chest that stops traffic but alas no .. you wake up and your hairs a knotted mess, your complexion looks like someones tested various foundations out on you and your little legs are clothes in oversized tracksuit pants and your chest, well, as Shakira said small and humble hidden beneath an oversized, probably stained, tshirt. All in all mediocre at the best. Not top shelf material, never going to be. You try to do sexy for him, you don stockings and suspenders you buy expensive underwear that’s uncomfortable and awkward and it works at the time but it’s still the same old you and is that enough? For some men no. You know they are looking elsewhere and it kills you even if the looking isn’t “real life” as they often proclaim. They wonder why it is such an issue for you and you can never explain.

I hate how insecure all that stuff in the past has made me, even now it haunts me and I feel inferior .. the words of men who claim to love you have a habit of taking roots and never leaving .. sad but that’s how it is. So combine the words of bullies from school, men from adulthood and the media showing me how I should be and here I sit an inferior example of womankind. I could change .. I could go on a diet (I think I will) and I could change my wardrobe, eat better, exercise more and overhaul my life but then part of me goes shouldn’t I be loved and accepted for who I am and how I am? For the me that is .. me.

I’m a real girl, just said that in the pinocchio I’m a real boy way .. creepy. Anywho .. I am a real girl. I eat cake, I don’t exercise enough if at all, I get spots, have split ends, am collecting cellulite at such a rate I’ve decided to dress as an orange for Halloween and I never turn heads on the street unless I’m doing my dinosaur impression. Maybe, just maybe, I am beautiful in my own right and I shouldn’t judge myself so harshly. I should ignore the words of fools and cretins and rise above it safe in the knowledge that I am gorgeous and, despite my plain exterior, a goddess .. just not in the stereotypical attention seeking way .. a goddess in disguise ..

Appearance rant over for now .. off to boots to look for the next skin care miracle and make up delight.

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